Hey let's go to San Diego for the Phillies game!!!

So Big Mike, Neil, Zach, and myself were all chillin' last Saturday night when a great idea was brought up... Let's go catch a baseball game!  So after looking at the line-up of Pheonix, LA, San Fran, and San Diego, we find out that the Padres were playing the Phillies!! Niicceeeee!!!!  So we were on our way.. like literally on our way.  We left Vegas at 10:30 on Saturday night with nothing but hopes of easily finding a hotel room once we got there.  Wellllllll, I guess shit gets booked up pretty quick down there in San Diego, cause as we arrived around 4 am, we found that pretty much every motel in the area had no vacancy.  I mean it's not even like we stopped at 2 or 3, we literally went to about 12 different motels on three different exits and couldn't find shit.  We finally found a place on the last exit before Mexico, however the gentleman working let us know that they were in their "off-hour" where the computer switches over to the next day.  Un-fucking-believable!  So we had to go to a fucking Denny's that smelled like asshole for like an hour while wonder-boy at the motel probably jerked his little cock... So we go back to the motel and the guy tells us that since we are checking in on Sundaythat we have the room until Monday at 11 am.  Soooooo, being that we were pretty much getting two nights for the price of one, we lightly made the decision that we would be staying a little longer then planned.  We finally got our room, decided which guys were sharing what beds (thank god I got Neil cause he snuggles better then Jackie),  and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

Then the morning comes, and the first signs of Tiajuana surface....  The game wasn't until 5, so we had a few hours to kill.  We collectivley decided to walk across the border and indulge in the fine cusine that Tiajuana has to offer.  Well, fine cuisine being  10 coronas for $20!  So we hang out, catch a little amature fight on Revolucion (yeah its spelled like that), and get our little taste of the great Mexico.  Actually, that was probably the most innocent trip to Tiajuana that anyone could ever imagine. We were all pretty happy that we didn't have a run-in with any federales or trannys, and headed back to out room to get ready for the Phillies game.  

We through on some clothes, hopped in Big Mikes car, and drove to San Diego with very high hopes.  I mean allllllll I hear about San Diego is milfs and hot young hoes.  I brought a 4 pack of condoms, my very skilled "hot-girl" eye, and a bunch of confidence.  I was also very, very ready for some Padre-fan confrontation.  I mean any of you that knows Mikey Millz, know that I don't mind getting my fists wet, and after arriving at the stadium, I got a little more excited.  It was easily 50/50 on Padres/Phillies fans.  We were lucky enough to be put in the section with one loud Padre fan.  He loved cheering for every meaningless ground ball and fly-ball the Padres would wrap their bat around. He was quickly bitched out every time ,however, by a bunch of 14 year old kids wearing Cole Hamels t-shirts who would start chanting "Last Place!, Last Place!" every time the guy would cheer for the Padres.  Ohhhhh Philly fans, ya gotta love em'.  Soooo anyway, it was a very exciting "unders" game, and Pat the Bat even decided to hit me a home run.  

We laughed, we cried, I think I even pee'd in my pants a bit once, but eventually the game was over.  Thats when the fuckin' craziness began.   It was easily started with one small word. Tiajuana.

Ha, I almost don't even believe some of it as I sit here and think of what to share with you guys, so I myswell just start at the top...

Since we had found out it was $8 to park at the border and walk across, we decided to just park at a nearby shopping mall, save our $8, and walk a little extra.  We get through no problem, of course, and head right to Revolucion!  Oh, we did enjoy a bacon-wrapped hot-dog on the way, thanks Neil, which I have since found out you can get on Eastern and Bonanza after 5 (thanks Gloria!!!!!) We headed to the clubs in hopes of cheap drinks and young Mexican hoes.  We quickly found both! Animale!!!!!  We walk in and boom, the club is poppin'!! Hot little hoes everywhere, and some goood music.  We get escorted over to the bar area and proceed to get 10 Coronas and 10 shots of Tequila for a whopping $20!!  We start slamming down shots and chugging beers while we commented on how young all the girls in the club look.  Then we start noticing all the balloons hanging around, and the very clearly marked area for drinking.  Then we ask our waiter what is going on.  A quince!!!  For all of you that aren't up on your Spanish, a quince is a "Hoff-special".  That means a mexican girls 15th birthday party!!!  Sooo, we chug our beers and finish our shots like we were going to be arrested and break out in search of a donkey show.  Ohhhh yes, a donkey show!  After being sent to a gay bar named Mikes, weird, and being dragged in to every strip club on the mini-strip, we found out heaven. Peanuts!!!!!  Oh yes, a back-ally Tiajuana strip club.  Now most of these places suck more dick the the cross-dresser that bets sports at the hilton (you know, the black guy with the short-ass jean shorts and red halter top), but Peanuts is the fuckin jimmy-jam!!!!  We walk in and there is this SMOKIN' bitch dancin' and a few other hot hoes just hanging out.  Now being the only guys in the place, we just planned on getting drunk and possibly getting a handjob.  Boy was I wrong.  Next thing you know, everyone is getting lap-dances and an ATM run had to be made by yours truly.  I left the club with Neil, 3 debit cards, and a couple pin numbers.  When I got back with the money for everyone, it was literally like a magic show.  These mother fuckers disappeared into the lap dance areas faster then Sherman to a topless Serena and Venus match.  I think some handjobs were given, a stripper may have been lucky enough to have been muff dived (wow Big Mike), and I may have fell in love with a one "Policia!"... but that wasn't the end of it.  We ended up getting wwaaasssstteeddddd....and then the night started. We convinced the strippers that I was a stripper in Vegas.  This hot ass Mexican bitch, the one Big Mike ate out(sorry Big Mike), drug me on stage and ripped my shirt off.  Then, she proceeded to tie my hands to a ring that was suspended from the ceiling.  I was loving it, and so were my boys.  I mean this was starting to get "Tiajuana style".  So the stripper proceeded to pull my pants of and leave me in my "sexy" underwear.  For those of you who don't know, I wear underwear hat kinda looks like a jockstrap.  It literally covers my dick and my ass.  So I find myself in nothing but my sexy panties.  The stripper drops to her knees, and starts biting on my cock.  Now I'm still smiling and laughing uncontrolably, and doing my best to keep myslef controlled.  Then she pulls my underwear off.  Ummm, yeah, I find myself tied-up, completely naked in a back ally Tiajuana strip club.  Uh oh!  I'm still laughing and having fun as my friends are screaming, making it rain like there is no tomorrow.  Then, the stripper takes off her panties and starts rubbing her sexy parts alllll over my dick.  Then, she somehow navigates her pussy and asshole into my mouth (AWESOME), and really gives the crowd a show.  Ohhhh, but its not over yet, she unties me, throws me to the ground, and drops into a split riiiggghhhhtttt on my dick.  I mean it definately went in a little bit.  Then, she yells for a beer, which my friend Neil jumps up and hands to her, she shakes it up and pours it alllllllll over the both of us.(Then she forcefully twisted, and shoved the bottle up my ass..I mean not all the way, just maybe an inch or two) She gets up, runs away, and I find myself butt-naked on the floor of Peanuts.  I get up, find my panties, and we ran outta there laughing.  The strippers grabbed us and asked where we were going, but all we could say is we would be back!  I mean come one now, we had hookers to find.

So we make our way to the hooker area, where we find we can get two smokin' mexican hoes for the incredible price of $25!!!  I was out of cash at this point, so as much as I was ready to catch an STD, I didn't have the money on me to do it.  We did check them out though, and I will definately be back.  Maybe after the Rays win the World Series, Hoff will fund the trip and I can finally fulfill my fantasy of fucking 10 girls at once without a word of English being spoken.  Did I mention that one of my friends may or may not have gotten head from a tranny?  = )  

So we are feet away from our great America, when the border people start giving us shit for not having out birth certificates.  It ends up in myself and Big Mike yelling over our shoulder what fucking assholes the border people were and if it even sounded like we spoke a lick of fucking Spanish.  That's when the other border patrol people, there were like 30 of them, starting telling us we better take it outside.  I mean fuck, do I really look like I'm not from Jersey?   Did they see my tattoo?  

So we finally get across the border, completely wasted, and start walking to the mini-mall.  Then it happened... We found out Big Mike's car had gotten towed.  So we then had to walk another few miles to our hotel.  

To end the story, cause I know it's getting kinda long, we had to pay $150 to get the car outta impound,  we got a couple 40's of Miller High Life, and we started our trek back to beautiful Las Vegas!!!!!  And here I am...... HOLLLLAAAAA  

I was on TV for like 3 minutes!!!!!!

Hey guys!  So I helped scare one of my boys on scare tactics, a tv show on the SciFi channel, a few months ago.  Well it finally aired!  If you go to the link, you can kinda fast-forward right to the part of my boy and I.  Just click on the last dot in the little bar and it should bring right there. Oh and don't worry about the little thirty second commercials, you just gotta watch through them.  Holllaaaa!!!! 

http://www.tv.com/video/BBE0nke3S_UQyfyJ2ODGMGCbK0ZacvDA/white-noise-attacks!?o=hulu&tag=video;thumb;0

On my way to a new camera!!!

So for the one, or maybe even two of you that read my blog here and there, you know I always give pictures with my fun stories. To be honest, that's what I think "you" want to see. You don't wanna read my crazy stories, you wanna see my crazy pictures. Well juussstttt so all of you know, Mikey Millz is hot on his way to a new camera (my next purchase), and the blog will probably be updated 3 or 4 times a week. So make sure to keep checking back, cause there will be pictures of Peedi growing up, hoes at the pool, and maybe even the aftermath of a fight here and there, which is almost inevitable. Smell ya!

P.S. - John you're the man. You are a true blogger my friend!!!

Lil' Millz !!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally met Lil' Millz tonight!! My 6 week old pit! I've been waiting for this litter to be born for a few months now! The little bastard's eyes are more blue then mine! Is this possible??? What?? I'll get pics up soon! If you see me at work ask to see the pics I have on my phone! Hollaaaaa!!!!!!

Well.. I promised you guys some pictures..so here we go..

This was this past Thursday at Club NY in Planet Hollywood..(Good lookin' D-Van)


Ok, now This was like a week ago at the same place..


Another at Club NY...

Big Mike and I at the pool..We we're like 8 deep..it was tight..

and one more at the pool..

Oh sht, and one more from the club..

This is the shit I do when I blackout..I unbutton my shirt and molest the cocktail waitress!! Hollaaaa..

That was a lot of driving...

So Saturday I ended up being at work until about 7. Now my boy Big Mike had been talking earlier in the week about having a room in pheonix on saturday night and how he wanted to go up and see the Diamondbacks game on Sunday. Well I'm sitting on my couch at like 7:30 and my phone rings. It's Big Mike and Danny-Van. They were just hitting the road and wanted to see if they should swing through. So I say fuck it, grab a toothbrush and my hair shit and boom, we are in the car heading to Phoenix..

It was kinda cool, I had never seen the Hoover dam. We ended up at some gas station in god knows where, and hung out with the the one toothed gas station guy for a few minutes. We we're just bullshitting with him, playing scratch-offs and shit. He was having so much fun, I think we really made his night. I should have gotten a picture. He really had one fuckin' tooth, I swear to god...

So we finally get to the Hilton in Phoenix (fully comp'd room thanks to big mike), and want to go out. The only problem is that all the bars and shit close at 2 o'clock out there. I think we arrived at like 1:50 or something. So Big Mike and Danny-Van role out in search of 24 hour food, which apparently was also very hard to find, but they found it. Some Mexican place. Anyway we finally got to sleep and woke up the next day to go to the D-backs game. We rolled out, and proceeded to head to the game. We went 15 minutes in the wrong direction, thanks Danny, but ended up finding out where it was. We had to suck down a couple beers on the roof of the parking garage before going in to pay $10 a beer.

So we role into the game eventually and it actually was pretty cool because Santana was pitching for the Mets. I was also pretty excited to see Upton in action. I of course bet the D-backs at G.V. when we were on the way to Phoenix. So it sucked because they lost, but I did get my drink on and had a great time anyway. At one point Big Mike and I were trying to find the hard alcohol booth because I was drinking Makers Mark and Coke's. It was the same price as a large beer, so I just went for it. It got pretty crazy at one point. These two like 55 year old guys in front of us were doing shots of Crown Royal. So I was thinkin' "oh shit, I wanna get down on that." So I jump in and say "Hey guys, can my buddy and I get down?" I had my money out. I wasn't trying to get him to buy it or anything. The guy thought I was gay and trying to pick him upor something. So he goes "I don't really get down, like I'm not getting naked or something." It might not have been exactly that, but it was something crazy like that. But I said to him, "Bro, no ones getting naked unless we get some chicks over here!" He was like, "Oh!!!!" and boom, Big Mike and I are taking shots of crown with these older guys laughin' and what not. He said he had kids my age. It was tight. So we get back to our seats with our drinks and see Danny sitting there. So we sit down and as we watch the game we keep hearing this lady scream. She was going crazy with these giant flags. She was cheering for every single player when they went to bat like they were home own kid. I swear to god.

We left at the middle of the 9th to try to avoid the traffic on the way outta the garage. We were all pretty toe up (messed up.) Big Mike tried not to drink too much though because he was driving. So we get out pretty easy, and started our mult-hour drive back to Vegas. We stopped in Laughlin on the way back just to check it out. I hadn't seen it and they wanted to do a little gamblng, so we went into two different places. It was short and sweet though. So now I'm finally back home and damn it feels good.

Yesss Derby Eveee!!!!!!!!!!

So having been in race the last 6 months, I've actually taken quite an interest in horse racing. I've even been known to bet an exacta or two at SouthPoint. Sometime's I even bet to win, sometimes trifectas, shit when I have a little bankroll I'll bet wheeled out dollar supers. I get crazy sometimes. Anyways, I did hit two tri's tonight in back to back races while I was putting in my derby bets. After investing about forty something into the first race the tri paid back fifty-five. The next race I invested another forty something. The tri paid twenty-two. I was down a little, but had finally gotten all my bets in. See, I'm a courtious better. I went up when nothing was anywhere near post, and put in a few bets. Then I would go back up when no one was about to bet and put in the rest. As soon as someone got behind me, I would pay for what was there and back off. So anyway, I finally have them all in and I'm ready to leave, but I notice a race like zero minutes to post. What do I do? I play the numbers on the spot. Just like a lottery (right Chris). So at the window I start firing using the numbers I had thought were decent in a bunch of different combintations. Ya know, like Brett or Mike (the dog guys). Anyways I dropped about eighty on a race pretty much with a big dumb smile on my face just dickin' around. Now how is it that I play like ten different combinations of things and it comes in the one fuckin' way I don't play it? I mean it's all good though. I'm sure it made me look cool to someone around! Holla!

Now I know what you're thinking... What is Mikey Millz's rating on the coolest young adult in the worlds scale, and what are his derby pics? Now As for my derby picks, I believe with all of my hair wax that they are a lock. Now I know how much Murray enjoys my pictures, so here are my bets boys.

*See here is where I was gonna take pictures of my tickets, but the numbers on the tri and super wouldn't come out clean. So I'll just tell you. And I'll just use numbers, because I know you all will of course know the names of all the horses, like and good Hilton Superbook employee would. Ok, Four dollar exacta box 10 / 4-8-9-15. One dollar tri, 4-8-9-10 / 4-8-9-10-15 / 4-8-9-10-15-20. Another one dollar tri 10-20 / 4-9-10-20 / 4-8-9-10-15-20. Then a one dollar super 4-9-10 / 4-9-10 / 4-9-10-20 / 4-8-9-10-20. I hope I win a billion dollars. I could really use it. Anyways how hot are those picks!? Red Hot if you ask me.

So now on one other note before tommorow. I felt the need to buy something new. I was looking around online, and found this bad-ass new phone. So I run to the store one day and don't see it out for sale. There was this spanish chick working at the counter so I asked her if she new anything about it. She was like, "Oh yeah I actually have some in the back. It's such a cool phone!" I was like I know bitch, now go fuckin' get it! Na na, I'm just playing, I called her a hoe not a bitch. Annyywwaayyysss I got the new Envy2. Check it out Andy you little bitch. Oh, and I'm using pictures cause I know Murray loves when I use pictures...

So yeah, tommorow should be exciting. Lets go 4 and 10. I'm sure I'll have some fun stories for you guys from after the weekend. Awwww yeeaahhhh....